Ned's Declassified School Shooting Guide
by Asimov's Ghost
Summary: When Ned gets to high school, he turns into a sociopathic asshole with intentions to make everyone pay for being a shithead.


Santa Barbara Police Department

Case #21325-02a

Evidence #009

Description - Excerpts from the personal journal of Ned Bigby

Declassified School Survival Guide:

9/7/03

In a middle school full of bullies, insane teachers, and gross school lunches, Ned Bigby—that's me—and my three best friends try to do the impossible: create a guide that will help you survive school.

9/8/03

-During the first day: just relax, be yourself and don't panic! Try to make new friends and get to know your teachers for the year.

-Plan ahead on classes to get in the same ones as your friends.

-September = Summer, so don't wear winter clothes.

-Some classes get full, so pick a different class you're good at.

-Have a seat by the door to avoid the "door jam".

-Be on your BEST behavior.

-Set goals for yourself during the school year.

-Try to study before class.

-If you're new, don't sweat it, talk to some people.

-Have fun, get to know your teachers better.

-Make sure you have all your school supplies.

Pick out clothes that show who you are to make a first impression.

-Pay attention to the rules and then when you come home memorize them so you don't have to later on.

-Make sure you always brush your hair and teeth before you go. Also make sure you have all your clothes on.

-Get a haircut 2 weeks before school starts so it can grow in.

-Try to make new friends your age and grade.

-Make a list of H.W and say when its due so you wont forget, and to have a reminder

1/29/04

-Always listen to what the teacher is saying, NOT what the teacher is doing.

-Try to do as much homework as you can in class so that you don't have much to do at home.-

-Helping the teacher out doesn't make you a teachers pet. You dont have to be a teachers pet to make a good impression.

-Don't be afraid to raise your hand. It doesn't mean you're dumb when you raise your hand you just get interested.

-Take notes when the teacher is talking.

-Always try to be the best student in your class.

-Never get on their bad side, It won't help.

-Due dates are closer than they appear, be sure to do your projects/homework ON TIME!

2/12/04

-Avoid giving mushy-lovey cards.

-Funny cards = less pressure.

-Get in on the fun with an anonymous card.

-If you have a crush get her/him something

-Don't say anything that makes someone else feel bad

9/30/04

-Make a new semester to-do list.

-Get started doing things on your list ASAP (as soon as possible).

-Make sure that you know where all your classes are.

-Try to do better than your last semester.

-Try to maybe get on honor roll this time.

-Try to make new friends.

-If there are any new people (teachers, principles, students,... ); try and help them feel home by being nice to them.

1/2/05

-Don't make a call while doing something else or talking to someone else. its rude.

-If your on a date, don't text anyone. that is just messed up and your date will think something is up.

-Recharge your battery every night.

-Turn off your phone when you get to school you don't want people to call you in class.

-When you talk and walk at the same time, make sure you look forward.

Only text when you are NOT in class.

5/25/05

For yearbooks:

-Submit your own fun photos.

-Hurry and get your money in early.

-Try not to put mean things and comments in your yearbook.

9/4/05

-My attempt to start a high school survival guide starts tomorrow. Fuck me, I know this is going to suck. I don't even have any pubes yet. They'll make fun of my tiny, hairless dick in the locker room and whip my ass with bare towels.

9/5/05

-High school sucks dick, especially as a freshman, just get the fuck over it.

-The 1st day of high school is always awkward and shameful, you're in a new environment that's full of predators out to get you.

-Remember this pecking order in the grand pond that is high school; freshman are minnows, sophomores are tuna, juniors are barracudas, and seniors are sharks.

12/1/05

-Actually, high school always fucking sucks when you're a freshman. Nothing changes a fucking bit. It's always the same shit, different day.

-Start Christmas giving list.

4/20/06

-Today is the 7th anniversary of the Columbine School Shooting in Colorado. Fuck the survival guide. It's only my first year of high school and everything has gone to fucking shit. Cookie went off to work for a tech company and makes an ass-ton of money each year. He was lucky to escape this shit. Mose has completely turned her back on me and ignores me. She told me I'm too weird to go out with and now hangs out with that fucking conceited cheerleader whore Marissa Johnson. They were enemies in middle school back when we were actually friends but now she's become friends with that cunt who I broke up with for Moze but my former love is now friends with my other former love back from middle school. Fucking ironic, isn't. There's no survival in this school. I'm still being bullied by that fuck-head Billy Loomer and his mindless minions who I thought I had a truce with until he started being beaten up by the seniors everyday. Not only, that. I've gotten stuffed in trashcans everyday by the seniors and almost drowned in toilets full of shit by them, I'm pretty sure they're the jocks. I'm going to fucking kill myself. Consider this my death note. See you all in hell.

4/21/06

-I woke up this morning disappointed. I took the whole bottle of Vitamin C and nothing happened. But I had an epiphany this morning. Life has given me a second chance. I can actually make high school worth something. It will take the entire year but I can do it. I need to find a job this summer and get a checking account.

9/20/06

I now have $2500 from my summer job at Pizza Hut. God, was that place fucking disgusting and gross. It was like the inside of an old wino's stomach. Jesus fucking Christ. But it was worth it, it will be all worth it. Today, the juniors who are now seniors forced me to eat shit that they deposited in the toilet and called me a faggot. Yes, they will pay. Every minute I suffer in this hellhole is a minute closer to my ultra violence revenge. I will be fucking famous. But I still need time. Time to get the xplosives together. Time to acquire arms and ammunition. That won't be easy in the pussy state of fucking Californication. I'll need a bunch of hydrogen peroxide and acetone for the explosives. So what if they are shock sensitive, I just need to be very careful. I need a 12 ga. shotgun and some handguns. I'll order them from this cool thing Cookie showed me back in the middle school called the Deep-Web. He used it to watch black midget amputee snuff porn. Man was that sum creepy shit. Aw gawd. Here comes Will again, fucking jocks and their wristbands that they all wear. They'll force me to eat their shit again. God fucking damn it. Every time I resist, they eat disgusting food and force me to eat the resulting diarrhea. If I want solid shit which is better, I need to be their bitch for now. BUT NOT FOR LONG! Hell fucking Hitler motherfuckers.

12/10/06

It's almost Christmas. I have 20 bottles of TATP xplosives, wet (if the powder is wet, it's less shock sensitive) and I got my 12 ga. pump action shotgun and 100 shells of 00 buck. in the mail today I ordered from the Deep-Web. Mom and Dad have no fucking clue because they don't give a shit. But I consider this my early Christmas present. The Glock 17's I ordered from the Deep-Web should be here next month along with 500 rounds of 9mm ammo, 250 for each gun and a shit-ton of magazines for each. For Christmas, I'll ask Mom and Dad for a trench coat and fingerless gloves. The school will know true fear when they see me. Now I just have to start working on what I call "Big Fucking Dick." I just need another 20 water bottles worth of TATP to make that one. hahahaha. It will be bigger than fucking Hiroshima and Nagasaki combined. The time for ultra violence revenge is near. 88.

3/20/07

The time draws near. I've got nearly everything. The 12 ga. that I sawed off and ammo for that, two 9mm's with ammo for that, 20 water bottle bombs with fuses and "Big Fucking Dick" with a long fuse. Oh yeah, and a combat knife I got from the knife store that I'll used to cut the throats of those fuckheads and drink their blood. I fucking love the taste of blood. I'm not writing any fucking death notes. My actions should speak for themselves. OH they FUCKING will. 88.


End file.
